It’s harder than I thought it would be to know what to say when questions come up from Henry regarding his past. Of course I want to be completely honest and real with him…. but I also struggle with what to say – and when and how to say it because after all, he is only two (well, almost three) and things are never as straight-forward in real life as they are in my head. We’ve taken a very open approach so far – talking about Africa and his B-mom often. Her picture is on the wall in his room in a collage along with pictures of us and his “Africa buddy” Micah, and his sissy, Jo. I have read so many different opinions on levels of openness — but this is what we feel is best for us and our family thus far. It may change, but for now we talk about Henry’s history very openly.
So far, he has seemed to respond to it all in a very matter-of-fact way. It is what it is and it’s just the way it’s always been. And he’s only two – a very smart almost-three, but young nonetheless. He has adjusted and bonded so well; I almost get worried about the other shoe dropping at some point, because it’s been so text-book thus far. I know there will probably be a lot to talk about and work through as he gets older… it’s just tough not knowing what questions he is going to have and what issues are going to be the hardest ones for him. I wish I could stay up all night studying to pass the tests that are inevitably ahead.
But, as little as we’ve had to process with him so far, the questions and difficult conversations do come up — usually when I least expect. Yesterday morning Joanna dug out her photo album with pictures from when she was a baby (Henry has one too with all the wonderful pics we got from our agency during the process… and of course a few of the million or so that I’ve taken since he came home!) Anyway, we were snuggling on the couch looking through both albums, talking about the pictures like we’ve done many times before — but for some reason this time was different and Henry noticed that there weren’t any pictures of him in my tummy. He got very, very upset about this… then sister told him he wasn’t ever in my tummy. He was DEVASTATED. Crushed. I could see it all over his little face and it was so hard to see him processing it. If I could give him nine months in my tummy, I absolutely would. But I can’t. And honestly, I don’t want to take that from his birth mother because SHE gave him one of the greatest gifts a person can give another… and she loved him so, so much. But I wish I could do something now to help ease the hard stuff and the pain that he may feel in the years ahead as he works through all of the tough questions and the tough realizations. I KNOW that he feels loved and secure with us — he knows he is an irreplaceable part of our family so much so that he naturally assumed he spent nine months inside me — but that doesn’t mean it’s going to always be easy to put it all together in his heart and mind.
He actually cried. I cried, too (but hopefully not so much that he noticed.) And then we talked for several minutes about how special it is that he has two moms and about what a special, beautiful woman she is and about how Peter and I got to meet her while we were in Africa… and how deeply Peter and I love him – all stuff we talk about regularly, but in this case I could see his little mind racing. I tried to say things a little differently this time… in a way that would maybe mean something more; but it was so much harder than the times I voluntarily talk about it because this time he asked. He wanted to know why things were different for him. We talked about concepts that are tough even for adults to wrap their minds around, but you know, that little guy kept up with me and asked more questions until he seemed satisfied for now. There will be more, I know… but for now he was settled with it. Goodness sakes, it made me commit to praying more for wisdom and discernment as questions arise. I love him more than I can find words to express and I just want to be the best mom I can be in every way… especially in this way — in the not-so-easy to explain, complicated parts of life as much as in the straight-forward simple parts.
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June 15, 2009 at 7:56 am
Faith
I think you have it a bit harder than I because you have one of each. All of my kids share the same story, they ALL grew in my heart and not in my belly. There is nothing to compare with that. BUT, my kids do know the difference that Kai and Justus came to us at days old, and they see the pictures of them as babies, things we don’t have for the others. The biggest thing I have found is to be honest. Henry is still SO young and doesn’t understand it fully. Malakai is just now(at almost 5) beginning to understand that someone else gave birth to him and I can see his mind working. No questions yet, but they are there in his mind. Being an adoptive mom is HARD, isn’t it?
Faith
June 15, 2009 at 8:12 am
skywardjourney
Faith, it means so much to have wonderful people like you in my life! I so appreciate your wisdom and experience in these sorts of things. Even though it’s tough at times, there is NOTHING like being an adoptive parent! Yes — Henry is young, I think that’s why I get so flustered when the questions come up! I don’t feel ready yet!
June 15, 2009 at 9:20 am
Dearest Jessica
Oh Amber, thank you for sharing. I am sure this day is coming. No matter what we do we can’t take away the pain for them. We can only be there for them as the process it all. I will be praying for your sweet guy, and you. Thanks for the reminder that we so need to pray for wisdom regarding this with our kids.
June 15, 2009 at 11:35 am
Lindsey Kendall
Hi Amber! It’s great to see you blogging again! I struggle with this too with our four boys that were adopted from the foster care system. The problem in our situation is that the boys birth-parents didn’t choose in love to give them up for adoption. Our boys were abused (physically, sexually, verbally), neglected, had their lives threatened by their dad/step-dad, and exposed to drugs. They have experienced more in their little lives than most of us adults have. It’s hard to know how much should be shared with them. I’m missing so many pieces to their puzzles that it makes me sad for them sometimes. Right now, they all know that they were adopted and that they grew in their birth-moms’ tummies (well, except for Gilbee–age 5– who insists that he grew in mine…LOL!) and that their birth-parents loved them, but were not able to care for them the way they needed to be cared for. I continue to pray for wisdom for the day when our now six year old asks about his birth-father who was a rapist or the day our oldest asks about his abusive birth-father. It’s hard to know how much to share and when to share it especially when all I have is awful details. It’s so hard for me, as an adult to comprehend the horrible circumstances that our boys have been through…I can’t imagine what it is like for a child. I’m so glad that Henry has you guys to love him up and care for him! Praying that God will help him understand his adoption in His perfect timing!
Sorry for my babbling!
Lindsey
June 15, 2009 at 12:08 pm
skywardjourney
Hi Lindsey! It’s good to be blogging again!
Thanks for sharing… I cannot imagine how difficult it would be to be in your shoes, thinking about sharing such difficult, painful information with your precious sons. Truly, my heart goes out to you and your kids, but how awesome that they have you as their loving, faithful momma. I do feel so fortunate to have met H’s b-mom and to know that she loved him so much. I can tell him that and I know it will mean a lot to him someday. We don’t know anything about his b-dad… and I don’t know how that will be for him to process. Thank you for sharing. I so admire your family and the way that you are raising your kids. It’s such a unique road to walk as adoptive parents who love our kids SO dearly — and even in the similarities, each road is different. But I guess that’s the case in evey family — adoptive ones and non-adoptive ones. We have met some amazing parents who have kids with severe handicaps through our visits to Henry’s neurologist and each time I am just blown away by their deep love and care for their kids… they have difficult roads, too — just different than ours. We can all learm so much from each other and I am just SO grateful for that!
June 16, 2009 at 2:35 pm
Jennifer
You are right, these are tough and emotional discussions! We have been very open with Noelle about her birth mom and foster mom in China, since we brought her home when she was 2. As she has gotten older (she is 6 now), the conversation has become much more complex as she learns to process what this all means. She has also struggled with attachment issues and anxiety which puts a whole different spin on things! In addition to that she was very jealous of her little brother who is our biological child.
For a time she said she wished she could have been in my tummy but lately she is saying that she wishes that she could still be in her birth mom’s tummy and that she could always be carried around by her and never have to come out. I try to reflect back to her what she is saying and try to verbalize what she might be feeling. I want her to always know that this is not a taboo subject and that she can always talk to me about it.
It is difficult when there is so much I do not know and will never be able to tell her about her first two years of life. It is quite likely that we will never know who her birth parents are although we do know her foster mom’s name. I tried to send a letter and pictures to her foster mom once but have no idea if she received them, I need to try again.
So, I am rambling a bit but I definitely understand what you are going through!
Jennifer
June 17, 2009 at 5:24 am
missy
Right there with you, Amber. We are completely open with Levi too. Praying for his bmom…looking at pictures of his adoption…we have none of her specifically, which is hard. He talks about his “other” mom randomly. Sometimes I will answer when he says “mom” and he will say, “not you, my other mom”. That always leaves me feeling a bit….i don’t know…weird, i guess….sad, maybe…
Levi is very in tune to his differences, especially his hair. We recently sponsored a child from Uganda and when her picture came in, he was so excited, he started yelling, “mommy, her hair is like mine, her arm is like mine, her other is like mine.” It doesn’t appear that another adoption is in our future, and it worries me that he might have to grow up without someone he can identify with physically. In a perfect world, I guess it wouldn’t…shouldn’t matter. But, it does.
Thanks for sharing this Amber.
Love you,
Missy
July 13, 2009 at 7:10 pm
Rachel
i know these conversations are very difficult amber. you are doing a great job at meeting where he is at. i always try to be age appropriately honest and know that i cant change the past, but i can be there for my kids when they need me. miss you! rachel hagemeyer
July 17, 2009 at 9:24 am
metaphase
I just stumbled across your blog as I gathered statistics for a class I’m teaching. I must say that I know these converstions are hard, but you are really so lucky to know something about your son’s birth mom. I have a son from Vietnam, and I am so sad that I will have nothing to tell him about his birth family. I would give anything to have a photo of his birth mom or even a story about her. I think of her often when I see his beautiful face and think how much she’s missing and how I’d love to share it with her. Even more, for my son, I’d love to be able to share her with him.