Jo and I have been planting tulip bulbs today (I found a great deal on them and kind of went over-board!  I have about 120 bulbs to plant today! 😉 ~ It’s going to be beautiful next spring, though…)  As I was planting them, I just kept thinking that by the time they bloom next spring, Henry should be home!  Its a bit allegorical… preparing the soil, planting the bulbs, covering and watering them… and then just sitting back to wait for many long months of winter until finally in the spring, we will finally get to enjoy the results of the work and the waiting… with bouquets of freshly-cut, brilliant tulips on the table.  Just like life.  Just like Adoption.  It’s a constant theme… work, wait, pray, wait some more… and them all of a sudden “voila!” the fruit is ripe! The hope is realized… the vision becomes reality!… the baby is born (or comes home!) 

I’ve had all kinds of random Henry-related thoughts jumbling around in my mind lately… and since I’m not sure how to connect them all, I’m not going to try to.  This is a “Very Random Post.”  (Did I just create a new category of posts?  Surely there must be some other VRP’ers out there!?!  I know Denise says she “rambles” sometimes…. (which I, personally, always greatly enjoy reading!)  but I’m sure there must be fellow-randomness bloggers out there, too!  🙂 

I think it’s starting to sink in a little more to me (in just the last couple weeks) that we are actually going to be bringing this little boy home.  For some reason it hasn’t seemed as real to me as it seems to be to others (well, from reading other adoption blogs anyway…)  I am not sure why this is… I had the same experience with Jo… even though I was pregnant and felt her moving and everything, it took me a LONG time to really comprehend that it was happening!  We were going to have a baby.  I’m not sure if it’s just the way I process things or if its because I lost our first baby and I am now sub-conciously holding back in fear that I’ll lose another child?  I don’t know.  I certainly don’t want to be holding back… I want to be able to open my heart and love completely no matter the risk, but it just sometimes seems so unreal… I have not had a single dream about Henry that I can remember (since we accepted his referral) until this last week… but I have had a couple vivid dreams the last few nights and as I said,  it’s becoming more real.  I have also started thinking when we are doing “traditional” family things lately (it seems there are a lot more “family things”this time of year! 🙂  that next year (hopefully!) Henry will be coming with us, or in the pictures!…  Also, I’ve been making appointments with specialists and speaking to doctors about my son (aahh! that REALLY sounds official!)

I decided about a month ago to put this:


where I can see it every morning when I wake up.  Silly, I know… but having it hanging there just helps me remember that it is real.  It is happening.  He is a real, live little boy who will be wearing this someday (hopefully soon!)  It just seems so tiny.  I look at it and I can’t believe he is that tiny.

I was remembering the other day about the first time I learned about cerebral palsy.  I was in fifth grade and read the book Karen by Maria Killea.  Maria tells the true story of her daughter who has cerebral palsy and about her perseverence and tenacity in overcoming the obstacles she faced.  Karen learned to do so many things with the most incredible, optimistic attitude.  I remember being SO impacted by the book… even though I was just a kid.  I was blown away by the cheerfulness Karen had and her deep persistence and incredibly cheerful out-look. It made me so much more aware of people around me and the incredible things we can accomplish when we are loved and when our attitudes are positive and when we give it all we’ve got.  I think that book changed my life even though I didn’t realize it at the time. I didn’t expect in fifth grade to grow up and adopt a child with cerebral palsy, but it was a seed planted in my heart.  God planted that seed…  Any time I heard the term “cerebral palsy” after that, I immediately thought of Karen and the tremendous impact she had on me.  Years later, when I was a teenager, we had a man come and minister at our church.  He was an incredble intercessor and shared what God was laying on his heart.  He was deeply affected by cp, but his passionate heart for the Lord was so evident.  This man also deeply impacted me.  Because I was dealing with common teen-related insecurites, part of me was uncomfortable because of his handicaps; but at my core, my heart (the heart that remained after the insecurites were processed! 🙂 was deeply, deeply touched and inspired.  I think his testimony did a lot to actually break me out of my self-centered insecurities and find great joy in being just who God has created me to be.  There have been other seeds planted as well over the years… things I didn’t realize were seeds at the time, but now, looking back I can see God’s hand opening my heart, tenderizing me, preparing me to become Henry’s mom.  I am so grateful for these seeds!  Like the tulip bulbs I’m planting, they sat under ground for a long time… but I can feel them poking through the surface… getting ready to bloom.

I’ve also been thinking about what it will be like to see Henry for the first time.  I have decided to go into it with no pre-conceived expectations — that way I can just enjoy the moment and not worry that I’m not feeling whatever it is I think I should be feeling.  I remember being slightly disillusioned right after Joanna was born because I had been told that the moment they put my baby on my chest, I would forget all the pain of childbirth… So I was expecting an abundance of warm fuzzy feelings toward her the minute I saw her — and it didn’t happen.  I was still in shock from how painful the whole experience had been and I didn’t have those immediate mommy-feelings.  I needed a minute to process it and recover.  Of course, the warm fuzzy feelings came soon after, but it taught me a valuable lesson about not putting expectations on situations. 

Anyway… like I said, just a bunch of random thoughts!  🙂

Jo is so excited about her little brother!  She has been sleeping with a picture of him lately.  (This is because she is convinced “Henny” is going to be sleeping in her bed with her when he gets home!  I’m been trying unsuccesfully to break the news to her for months now.  She is quite insistent! )

She calls him  “Henny” or “Henby.”  And she knows he’s her little brother.  She often reminds me that his arm is hurt and asks if we can pray for him… so we do.  She bows her little head and utters such sweet prayers for her baby brother — a litttle person she’s never met before, but whom she is so open to loving.  I silently add my plea to the Lord: Hear her prayers!  Hear her sweet heart for her brother.  Bring him home soon.  Touch his body, Lord.  You know, in relation to Henry being her little brother, she doesn’t know any differently — as far as she’s concerned, this is how all little brothers are added to families!  🙂

She was hugging me the other day and she said “you’s Jojo’s Mama!”  then a pause, then “you’s Henby’s mama, too!!”  Ahh… she gets it! … And I’m getting it, too!