Henry had his first seizure tonight.  As far as seizures go, it wasn’t a bad one… but it was still hard to watch.  The neurologist warned us after we learned about the Polymicrogyria that Henry was at high risk for seizures.  I don’t remember the exact odds, but it was definitely something we were told to be prepared for.  We were also warned that if or when Henry had his first seizure, he would be at high risk for continuing (and worsening) seizures…

I’ve tried to be as prepared as possible, but honestly, I’ve been really afraid of this aspect of his diagnosis.  It’s been a hard reality for me to accept.  I’ve tried to stay optimistic about the small chance that he might never have a seizure, but I’ve had to face the probability as well.  Most of the time I just pulled my worn-out hood of denial over my head and chose not to think about the what-ifs…

I didn’t realize just how afraid I’ve been deep down until I held my son’s limp body tonight.  I was totally and completely freaked out and I realized that I’ve been dreading this evening for months — even though I had no idea when it was coming.  I’ve sometimes felt like there was an unseen monster lurking in the shadows… a danger that I could sense but not see.  I don’t think there has ever been anything scarier to me as a mom than this knowing about the threat of danger to my baby, but not knowing when or how it might strike.  

I feel like the monster was finally been let out of the basement tonight…

The good part is now at least the monster is out.  I can face him.  Now that I know it’s not going to be “if” Henry has a seizure, I don’t have to be afraid of that unknown.  Now I can silence the voice in my mind that has frightened me with the wondering and worrying.  No, I can’t stop the seizures.  That monster is too big.  But I CAN at least face my fears in the light.  And that’s a huge step.  Yes, Henry had a seizure, and he will most likely have more.  I will be more prepared next time and I will face it with him as a stronger and more courageous momma.

En Garde.

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